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I would consider myself a pretty observant person. I like to sit on the bench at the mall while my wife is trying on clothes and watch people walk by. I study their actions, their attitudes and am guilty of eavesdropping on a few conversations. My obsession with stand-up comedy has taught me to notice the little things in life that everyone says, sees, or acts, and find the humor in it.
"Things I Notice." A column bringing the unnoticed and back burner-placed quirks of the world to the forefront. A written stand-up routine, if you will.
Things I Notice: While Driving
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--I notice that people pay more attention to world around them while staring blankly at a movie screen than they do while driving. Driving a car is up towards the top of the "Things you do in life that you should probably pay attention while doing it" list. Yup, just checked on the web; it ranks right up there with skydiving and using a gun. For crying out loud, pay attention to what you are doing when you are driving a car. I saw a guy the other day on his cell phone, while eating, watching a movie, and smoking. That toe that he had on the wheel to keep from going off the road really made me feel at ease about driving in the lane next to him. It's funny, I hear people complaining about how hard it is to multi-task at work; yet it seems pretty simple for them to do it on the way to work.
--I notice that parents want their kids to get a driver's license at 16 so they don't have to be their chauffeur anymore, but the second a teenager cuts them off on I-35 they would sign their name in blood to have the age raised to 47. In South Dakota, kids can get a license at 14 because of the necessity to have them drive farm vehicles. I couldn't even dress myself correctly at 14, I couldn't imagine the carnage I would cause behind the wheel of my parent's minivan.
--I notice that the trucks that are twenty feet off the ground and sound like Paul Bunyon farting, with so many NASCAR decals that their back window looks like a bingo card, are the same people that blame Bush for the high gas prices. Tell ya what Bobby Ray, no one cares how loud your truck is; do us all a favor and take some money out of your "Miller Lite" budget and get a new, quieter, muffler. And by the way, when you're on the freeway during a huge snowstorm and the rest of the world is trying not to kill anyone else on the road, don't go cruising by going 80 because more than likely you'll be the one getting stuck in the ditch.
--I notice that all the snobs in the world don't think that the rules of the road apply to them. Chauncey Stocktrader doesn't feel he needs to wait for other cars before he pulls out onto the road. Don't we know how important he is? He needs to get to a business meeting or is late for his tanning appointment. During a traffic
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jam, Chauncey shouldn't have to sit through it like the rest of America. No way! Chauncey needs to get to his afternoon tea at the Yacht Club. So Chauncey gets in the lane that ends in a quarter mile and drives all the way up to the front of the line and cuts in front of the single mom working two jobs and is desperately trying to get to her son's soccer game.
--I notice that apparently these days, the turn signal is optional. It just goes to show how lazy society is getting. Suzy Homemaker neglects to use her blinker while changing lanes on her way to the store to by a cart full of "Trans Fatty-O's" for her kids who have new shoes with wheels on the bottom that allow them never to have to even walk so they can pay more attention to their hand-held DVD player, and yet earlier that day she went to protest the school cafeteria's lunch menu because the hamburgers and french fries they sell at lunch, are making her kids fat. That built-in airbag you are creating around your kid's mid-section is not going to keep them safe from the semi that is going to crush your car because you neglected to signal.
--I notice that a lot of people have far too many outdated bumper stickers on their car. I have no idea why people still proudly drive around with "Kerry/Edwards '04" bumper stickers. First of all, that election was three years ago. Second, KERRY LOST!! I swear I saw someone with a "McGovern's for YOU in '72!" sticker on their Pinto. I think drivers should have to clean out their bumper stickers, much like an oil change, every 3,000 miles. Keeps a car running healthy and clean! As much as I love the Twins, all "1991 World Series Champs" should be taken off. You don't have to throw them away, but let's try and keep the back of your car updated. Your car's bumper should not be compared to an almanac. And all you granola-eating, tree-hugging, Deepak Chopra-reading, chaining yourself to a gas pump, hippies, please don't force your views on me at a stop light by littering your back window with stickers about abortion, politics, or saving the whales. If I want to know what you think about something, I will walk up to your Honda Hybrid, knock on your window, ask you to turn down the KD Lang for a second, and engage a conversation about your political views. Until then, I don't have the slightest interest in what you think about WMD's.
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