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I would consider myself a pretty observant person. I like to sit on the bench at the mall while my wife is trying on clothes and watch people walk by. I study their actions, their attitudes and am guilty of eavesdropping on a few conversations. My obsession with stand-up comedy has taught me to notice the little things in life that everyone says, sees, or acts, and find the humor in it.
When I got married, I had to write out a "Thank You" card to everyone on the groom's side of the wedding becuase it's the polite thing to do. If writing out a card saying, "Thanks for coming to our wedding. We were so excited to have you join us on our special day, that we were more than happy to shell out 15 bucks a plate for everyone in your family in exchange for a decorative spoon that we didn't even register for, and therefore returned, to find out you got on clearance for $3.75. Thanks again (ya bums), The Larsen's," is considered polite, then how come I never got a, "Your Welcome," card back from any of our guests, holding up their end of the politeness rule? When you get a "Thank You" in the mail, it doesn't really mean much. You read it, try to remember what you got them, and throw it away. But if, for some reason, you don't get a "Thank You" card in the mail, you hold a grudge for ten years because you never got a card saying thanks for the cutting board.
With that, I have created a column, "Things I Notice." A column bringing the unnoticed and back burner-placed quirks of the world to the forefront. A written stand-up routine, if you will. A journey inside the thoughts of Chad William Larsen. I figured for my inaugural piece, I would lead off with a collection of things I notice that would make my parents proud. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...
Things I Notice: In the Men's Room
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-- I notice that the title of today's column is a little childish. But that's who I am. A child trapped in a 6' 7" body.
-- I notice that it seems to be the cool thing to spit into the urinal before/while/after peeing. Have you just been dying to spit something out, but manage to hold the urge until you have to pee? Or are you just determined to get as much liquid out of your body as possible while you're in the bathroom? I have never once had to spit into a urinal before peeing in it. The only acceptable excuse for spitting into a urinal is if you have are spitting chew, or sunflower seeds. No other reason, ever.
-- I notice that old men always pee for far longer than any young man could even hope. These over-the-hill fellas could put Jimmy Dugan's (Tom Hanks) legendary potty in "A League of Their Own," to absolute shame. And what's with the noises they make while peeing? Is it really that much of a struggle at that age? I peed next to a guaranteed AARP member once and, for a second, I thought he was going for a max bench press record rather than an ordinary afternoon tinkle.
-- I notice that Dane Cook was right. Everything in the sink area is wet. How does that happen? Every counter in every men's restroom I have ever been in, is soaked. Even the floor. I blame the spitters.
-- I notice that when I go to the bathroom, unless I am startled, or kicked, I can pretty much pee without getting anything on me. With that being said, when I am done, I take a quick rinse of my hands to be safe of any unnoticed urinal ricochet, and go along my way. For some reason, every guy in the men's room I have seen feels the need
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to wash his hands as if he is scrubbing-in for an emergency surgery. This isn't Grey's Anatomy, McChubby. If your hands need to be cleaned that intensly after a simple release of urine, you might have to sit down while you pee.
-- I notice that I can't help but shake my head when people, who are not handicapped, walk out of the handicap stall when every stall is open. How bad would you feel if a man in a wheelchair who had one too many 3-day-old burritos at lunch came bursting into the bathroom and needed that stall while you are sitting there reading the sports page just to get away from the cubicle/his wife/the world once in a while? And how bout the walk of shame out of the stall, while the poor man is waiting, red in the face and sweating trying to keep the flood gates closed? You have the ability to walk, don't be so arrogant as to take away a handicapped man's ability to poop safely.
-- Am I the only one who thinks farting is funny? I notice that I have heard some of the sickest, "you might want to see a doctor" farts, ever in the men's room, and never a peep from anyone else in there; like nothing happened. Come on fellas, nothing would make me happier than to openly express in laughter at a solid breaking of wind. There is a proverb I heard once that says, "A true child at heart, laughs after a fart". I actually, just made that up, but it's true. Every time I am in a public bathroom with my good buddy Kyle, one of us will fart really loud and laugh like we had never heard a fart before. And believe me, we have heard our fair share of farts in our lifetime. We need that in the men's room. If you can't have a little chuckle at someone else's flatulation, than what's the point of farting? Farting is proof that God has a sense of humor.
Stay tuned for...
"Things I Notice: While Driving"
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