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I would consider myself a pretty observant person. I like to sit on the bench at the mall while my wife is trying on clothes and watch people walk by. I study their actions, their attitudes and am guilty of eavesdropping on a few conversations. My obsession with stand-up comedy has taught me to notice the little things in life that everyone says, sees, or acts, and find the humor in it.
"Things I Notice." A column bringing the unnoticed and back burner-placed quirks of the world to the forefront. A written stand-up routine, if you will.
Things I Notice: At the Movie Theater
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--I notice that every movie theater is run by teenagers. The box office, the concessions, the ticket takers and even the managers are all under the age of 20. Seriously, I don't trust these kids for a second when a serious issue arises in the theater. If I fall and break my leg walking out of "Shrek 9: Shrek Eats Donkey," I am positive every employee would rather leave their post to send all their friends a picture text message of my shattered tibia, than help me up. The sad thing is when we come out of the late show and shuffle off to our car, all of the employees are sitting on the curb waiting for rides home.
--I notice that the theater makes you wait until just about show time to let people in because they are "cleaning" the theater. Really? Cleaning? The theater is always a mess when I go in to sit down. I once had my shoe come off because I had stepped in three week old Ju-Ju Bees, and spent the previews prying my shoe up with a chisel. I never go to the movies without my chisel. Where is Dateline NBC when you need them? They should go in with their hidden cameras to the theater to watch Little Joe snacking on all the left over popcorn for a half hour before walking out and giving the all clear.
--I notice that the big sellers at the movie theater concession stands are some of the loudest, most annoying foods man can eat. Popcorn and nachos. Nothing pisses me off more than sitting in a theater barely able to hear what’s going in the movie because of all the crunching of nachos and scarfing of popcorn. We might as well have a wood chipper running in the corner of the theater.
--I notice that even though cell phones have been around for a good chunk of my life, and even though 8 year-olds now have Bluetooth capability, and even though the theater plays a two minute long skit on the giant screen about turning our phones off, at least one person always forgets and their phone starts ringing in the middle of the movie. And of course in order to answer their phone, Chubbs has to put down the popcorn from one hand, put down his gallon of Coke from the other, maneuver his fat butt in
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his seat to get the new Motorola Paper Clip phone out of his pocket, look at the caller ID and decide whether or not he should step out to answer the phone, and finally silence the ringer. Let's get it together America. If you're going to a movie, turn off your phone. And for the select few who think they are important enough to answer the phone in the theater, you better hope I am having a good day, or I will eat your phone, follow you home and crap it onto your living room floor.
--I notice that some people must be so excited to see a movie that, even though the babysitter can't make it, they will still go to see the movie with baby carrier in hand. When I saw "Lord of the Rings: Return of the King" and "300" I was graced with the presence of numerous toddlers or younger. If you can't get a babysitter for the night, guess what pal? You're not going to the movie. Get a clue, moron. I am not going to sit through a movie I have been waiting months to see, and miss the best part because your newborn won't stop fussing. I love children and babies and all that. But they do not belong in a movie theater until they are at least 5 years old. Period.
--I notice that with the theater run by barely post-pubescent children, all their pimply-learner's permit carrying-text messaging-8 pounds of makeup wearing-acting retarded because it's their first time in public without parental supervision friends account for 93.5% of the patrons at the movie theater. When I am waiting to go see the new Tom Hanks film, I have to first sit through the live version of "Cheaper by the Four Dozen" for twenty minutes and contemplate whether or not I actually someday want children of my own. Also, here's a tip for parents of teenage girls: What your child wears when leaving the house to go out with her friends, is not what they will be wearing as soon as they are out of your sight. They may look like Mother Teresa when they leave but at the movie theater they look like Trampy McWhoreson. These clueless parents are the same ones who can't figure out why the High School Biology teacher got fired.
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